him & her XIV: communication

H E R

Curtis and I are/were Communication majors here at BYU-Idaho. The major is very broad with multiple different emphasizes you can choose from. In some of these classes we talk a lot about how we communicate with others and the communication barriers we have. 

I think that so many issues can be solved through communication in our relationships. It seems like a simple concept: If you have a problem, talk it out. But everything from our backgrounds and the way we were raised to think about expressing ourselves, to the mood we're in, to our own personal thoughts on constructive communication come into play. Sometimes rendering a simple conversation can be incredibly complicated.

As, girls I think we like to talk some things to death. (I know any guy would agree with me) We want to talk through everything even if it is something that doesn't seem like a big deal, we need to talk about it to get over it. And we take it personally, this causes contention.

Contention is a tricky thing. Becoming comfortable with confrontation is even trickier. If you're even a sliver of a people pleaser you'll find that more times than not you'll bite your tongue when something rubs you the wrong way. Whether it's a classmate being controlling in one of your groups, a co-worker steamrolling you during an office meeting, or your friend taking out their anger on you after a long day. Your initial reaction might be to bite your lip and sit quiet. Granted, you might be thinking of some choice words at the moment, the only hint that you are even bothered is your tightly grasped hands.

And while that might help you avoid a fight, you know that in the long run you're not doing yourself any favors. You're letting yourself be taken advantage of, you're building a reputation for yourself as a pushover.

Complaining is not going to get you anywhere. We all have moments where we let something annoying slide and then we immediately call our best friend to vent until the steam comes blowing out of our ears. True that it's not worth calling out every slight against someone, but if you find yourself complaining about something over and over again. You're not doing anything to change it and well, at that point you are officially a part of the problem too.

If you have a hard time with confrontation, take a moment to think of exactly what you'd like to say first. Try not to make it about emotions, but rather keep it rooted in facts and what part was inappropriate. Also decide what you're hoping to gain and then have a solution ready on how you'll gain it.

If you cringe at the very idea of confrontation, don't see it as an argument but a normal conversation. Change the narrative from something negative to something neutral. Simply approaching a conversation in a certain way can make a huge difference in the tone. Instead of being combative, think of a confrontation as a project the two of you have to work on together.

I am no expert communicator, but I just wanted to share the things I have learned and how I think they could help us in our relationships. 

H I M

Like Hannah said, I was a Communication Major. What I loved about this major was the idea that I could try different things and see what fit my interests. While you do this major you end up deciding and picking an emphasis to focus on. While you do this emphasis, you still end up taking the general comm classes. 

From these classes, from experience and from humbling situations I have learned to communicate properly in certain situations. I am not perfect and I am still learning daily, but it does get better. The way you communicate can affect you and those around you. I like what Hannah said above about changing a confrontational tone into a positive one by thinking through and changing the narrative.

For me, if I find myself in an argument, it is important for me to listen and to think about what is being said. Once I have done that I need to think, ponder and rationalize what is being said. If I try to respond quickly, I end up saying something I don’t mean and eventually will regret. The power to listen and think is important. We all do it differently but find what works best for you and try it, over and over. You don’t become a master communicator overnight, it is constantly changing and hopefully improving.

I think there is a general idea that Men tend to just argue. I think that does happen for the most part, but it depends on the type of conversations that are happening. I think Men can do a better job of actually listening to who is talking whether it be a spouse, friend, employee, etc. We tend to just listen and move on, but we can listen and follow up to help that person we are talking to know they are heard. If people sincerely cared about the people they were talking to, then the ability to communicate would flow more smoothly.

People might also tend to think that women always complain to men (especially during their monthly gift from mother nature), but I think it goes both ways. The key to successful communication is sincerity. We might get sick of hearing a friend complain and complain, but maybe if we take the time to listen, address and support the friend’s issues, the complaining might change. So my biggest advice for being a good communicator is also to be a good listener. Sometimes that means giving advice, sometimes it just means listening and letting it be known that you listened. By doing this, you help them and you help yourself, because you learn when or when not to help in a situation.