him & her XIV: communication

H E R

Curtis and I are/were Communication majors here at BYU-Idaho. The major is very broad with multiple different emphasizes you can choose from. In some of these classes we talk a lot about how we communicate with others and the communication barriers we have. 

I think that so many issues can be solved through communication in our relationships. It seems like a simple concept: If you have a problem, talk it out. But everything from our backgrounds and the way we were raised to think about expressing ourselves, to the mood we're in, to our own personal thoughts on constructive communication come into play. Sometimes rendering a simple conversation can be incredibly complicated.

As, girls I think we like to talk some things to death. (I know any guy would agree with me) We want to talk through everything even if it is something that doesn't seem like a big deal, we need to talk about it to get over it. And we take it personally, this causes contention.

Contention is a tricky thing. Becoming comfortable with confrontation is even trickier. If you're even a sliver of a people pleaser you'll find that more times than not you'll bite your tongue when something rubs you the wrong way. Whether it's a classmate being controlling in one of your groups, a co-worker steamrolling you during an office meeting, or your friend taking out their anger on you after a long day. Your initial reaction might be to bite your lip and sit quiet. Granted, you might be thinking of some choice words at the moment, the only hint that you are even bothered is your tightly grasped hands.

And while that might help you avoid a fight, you know that in the long run you're not doing yourself any favors. You're letting yourself be taken advantage of, you're building a reputation for yourself as a pushover.

Complaining is not going to get you anywhere. We all have moments where we let something annoying slide and then we immediately call our best friend to vent until the steam comes blowing out of our ears. True that it's not worth calling out every slight against someone, but if you find yourself complaining about something over and over again. You're not doing anything to change it and well, at that point you are officially a part of the problem too.

If you have a hard time with confrontation, take a moment to think of exactly what you'd like to say first. Try not to make it about emotions, but rather keep it rooted in facts and what part was inappropriate. Also decide what you're hoping to gain and then have a solution ready on how you'll gain it.

If you cringe at the very idea of confrontation, don't see it as an argument but a normal conversation. Change the narrative from something negative to something neutral. Simply approaching a conversation in a certain way can make a huge difference in the tone. Instead of being combative, think of a confrontation as a project the two of you have to work on together.

I am no expert communicator, but I just wanted to share the things I have learned and how I think they could help us in our relationships. 

H I M

Like Hannah said, I was a Communication Major. What I loved about this major was the idea that I could try different things and see what fit my interests. While you do this major you end up deciding and picking an emphasis to focus on. While you do this emphasis, you still end up taking the general comm classes. 

From these classes, from experience and from humbling situations I have learned to communicate properly in certain situations. I am not perfect and I am still learning daily, but it does get better. The way you communicate can affect you and those around you. I like what Hannah said above about changing a confrontational tone into a positive one by thinking through and changing the narrative.

For me, if I find myself in an argument, it is important for me to listen and to think about what is being said. Once I have done that I need to think, ponder and rationalize what is being said. If I try to respond quickly, I end up saying something I don’t mean and eventually will regret. The power to listen and think is important. We all do it differently but find what works best for you and try it, over and over. You don’t become a master communicator overnight, it is constantly changing and hopefully improving.

I think there is a general idea that Men tend to just argue. I think that does happen for the most part, but it depends on the type of conversations that are happening. I think Men can do a better job of actually listening to who is talking whether it be a spouse, friend, employee, etc. We tend to just listen and move on, but we can listen and follow up to help that person we are talking to know they are heard. If people sincerely cared about the people they were talking to, then the ability to communicate would flow more smoothly.

People might also tend to think that women always complain to men (especially during their monthly gift from mother nature), but I think it goes both ways. The key to successful communication is sincerity. We might get sick of hearing a friend complain and complain, but maybe if we take the time to listen, address and support the friend’s issues, the complaining might change. So my biggest advice for being a good communicator is also to be a good listener. Sometimes that means giving advice, sometimes it just means listening and letting it be known that you listened. By doing this, you help them and you help yourself, because you learn when or when not to help in a situation. 

him & her XIII: thankful

H E R

We all know that going around the table saying everything that you're grateful for is one of those Thanksgiving dinner staples. And, while there are certain things you just need to say you're thankful for on Thanksgiving, you rarely say what you're actually grateful for.

Of course, I am definitely thankful for things like my family, friends, and the gospel. But there are other things that you're also thankful for that you just can't say around the dinner table. Like, I'm thankful for Diet Coke. I'm thankful for Gilmore Girls. Or I'm thankful for my neighbor's dog. If I were to mention a few of these things in front of my n-laws, they would probably think I was crazy. Instead, you stifle your real feelings and say something more generic and "appropriate", because honesty isn't always the best policy.

So, in honor of Thanksgiving approaching, here are a list of the things I am grateful for. Both normal and unconventional.

My pal, Curtis

Family (mostly the baby nieces)
The gospel of Jesus Christ

Diet Coke Fountain Drinks

Puppies

My teachers that gave me the whole week off

Justin's new album

Friends

Freedom

Peanut Butter M&Ms

Grey's Anatomy

H I M

Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that everyone talks about, because of the food but often gets rushed through because of Christmas. I want to pay homage to this amazing holiday and say how thankful I am for Thanksgiving. We are all thankful for a lot of things, but Thanksgiving has always been a symbol of family gathering for me. I am grateful for the time we have had to celebrate it with family and loved ones. Let's try to remember how awesome Thanksgiving is while we have it, because I know it all changes once Black Friday comes along. Take some time to really think about what you are thankful for, express that and I know you will feel good about it. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Here is my list of things I am thankful for:

My beautiful wife, Hannah.

My religion

Family

My friends

PIZZA

Comfortable socks

Joggers

The Discovery Channel

Sports

A good job

The mountains

him & her XII: roadtrippin'

H E R


As we creep ever closer to the holiday season, plans are being drafted, reworked, and finalized for the long treks home. People are frantically packing their bags, ditching their school assignments, and not looking back. After all, you’ve been planning this for the last few months, and you're finally ready to load up the wagon and hit the trail toward a beautiful place with home cooked meals and queen sized beds. 

You’ll have a fair amount of pre-departure planning to pin down before you’re ready to load up the car. Things like: What time you will say you are leaving and what time you are actually going to leave? Who is riding shot gun? And (if you have any passengers with small bladders) how often is everyone okay with stopping? 

H I M

Now it's time to prepare for the intermediate period between the time you depart and the moment you arrive at your destination. Whether your car trip is two hours long or ten traveling can be stressful. I know people always say "It's about the journey, not the destination.", but that's just not true when you're stuck in Wyoming for 5 hours. 

So make sure that you have plenty of snacks, a couple conversation starters, and an awesome playlist. Because even if the journey is long you can still make it fun.


the roadtrip playlist

1. The Feeling - Justin Bieber
2. Runaway - Galantis
3. Fitz and the Tantrums - The Walker
4. Energy - Drake
5. If it Makes You Happy - Sheryl Crow
6. Moments - Tove Lo
7. Alive - Sia
8. Do You Want It All? - Two Door Cinema Club
9. Cyclone - Baby Bash
10. More Than a Feeling - Boston


the roadtrip playlist (post-thanksgiving edition)

1. My Grown Up Christmas List - Kelly Clarkson
2. It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year - Andy Williams
3. Carol of the Bells - Home Alone Soundtrack
4. I Celebrate the Day - Relient K
5. Mistletoe - Justin Beiber
6. Christmas Day - She & Him
7. Baby It's Cold Outside - Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone
8. Holy, Holy, Holy - Surfjan Stevens
9. All I Want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carrey
10. Happy X Mas - John Lennon

him & her XI: let it snow

H E R 

When you’re from a warm climate, winter seems like a beautiful fantasy. I grew up in South Carolina, where the temperature would never hang out below 35. Winter was the nice part of year, when we could finally wear long sleeves and turn off the air-conditioning without having to worry about heat mixed with humidity. But real winter—the kind I usually only saw in the movies—seemed magical, snow ball fights with your friends and spending hours making snow angels.

For people who grew up in warm climates, the shift to a place with a real winter—the kind of winter that can kill you in too many ways—is a harrowing spiritual journey, proceeding through a number of distinct emotional stages. 

EXCITEMENT:  At first, the prospect of moving to a cold climate is terribly exciting. You think, “It’ll be so different! I’ll have a white Christmas! I get to wear pea coats! I’ll get to snuggle by the fire! And buy cute hats and scarves!" (Really you're just thinking about all the clothes you can buy.)

DREAD:  As you’re packing all of your stuff, dreaming of the dreamy Instagram pictures you are going to take, things start to worry you. People start talking to you about temperatures of 20 below zero—temperatures you cannot even fathom—and they tell you about that time their eyelashes froze. You start to second guess your life choices.

DENIAL:  It's October, and it's getting pretty brisk outside. You reason with yourself, "Maybe if I keep wearing my fall clothes, winter will never come." But it does and it's terrible. It's arrival becomes apparent when you're walking home in a light sweater deciding whether or not you should just lie down in the street and give up.

ANGER:  You live in winter apocalypse, and you are pissed. 

Also, the plan for adorable outerwear is not working out. Basic survival requires the puffiest, warmest, least-flattering parka known to man. You wear a ski mask, not only to keep warm, but to make sure no one recognizes you.

DEPRESSION:  You think, “Fine, I’ll just stay inside for the next 5 months, talking to no one and doing nothing.” You grab a bowl of cereal, pull up Netflix on your laptop, and settle in for hibernation.

ACCEPTANCE:  You finally accept that Earth has entered a new ice age. You start making an effort to get outside to soak up whatever sunlight the world has left. You discover that, when you’re properly bundled up, winter activities like sledding and snow tubing are actually really fun.

H I M

I grew up in Colorado and have dealt with snow my whole life. As a kid, snow was the best. I loved playing in it, loved snow days and love the peace that came with a nice snow fall. As I got older snow was a way for me and my friends to enjoy our teenage years. Weekends were spent in the mountains snowboarding and skiing. There was always a good time to be had when it came to snow.

Now that I am a little older and do not have as much time to spend in the snow, I find myself thinking it is more of a burden than fun. Don’t get me wrong, I love playing in it, I just don’t like dealing with it. Shoveling snow, navigating the icy streets and dealing with bad drivers is not as fun as you may think.

But I want to let you know that snow and the winter can be conquered. So many people in Idaho that are not from here tend to complain about the snow and the cold, but you can make this winter way more fun than you may expect. You don’t have to resort to movie marathons and moping around. 

Here are some things I do to stay positive and healthy during the cold winter months:

Take Vitamin C on a regular basis. The key to not getting sick is giving your body the vitamins it needs to stay healthy. I take some form of vitamin c on a daily basis. Whether it’s Airborne, Emergen-C or some other form of Vitamins, take them! It can’t hurt.

Exercise regularly. I think that maintaining a healthy winter involves exercise and a lot of water. Flush your system, stay fit and give your body something to be happy about. It is easy to get lazy with cold weather but do you best to stay active.

Get good sleep! I think that giving your body the right amount of sleep makes all the difference in being able to stay healthy especially when it’s cold. Give your body the time it needs to re-energize and besides sleeping is awesome.

Stay positive. The best thing you can do is stay positive when the cold weather comes. It is easy to get annoyed, tired and cranky but it’s also easy to stay positive. Find fun things to do, go out even if it is cold and socialize. This will keep you mentally healthy and physically healthy.

Look to this upcoming winter with confidence. There will be those times where all you do is spend 10 hours straight on Netflix and that is okay. Just try to get out and have a good time this winter season!

him & her X: social media

H E R

I love scrolling through my instagram while I wait for my friend to pick me up. I like to tweet to the world when my dreaded class gets cancelled. And I can't help but share a couple puppy videos on facebook every now and then. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using social media. Especially for us Comm majors, we have to use it.

Social media is a big part of our lives, that much we know. But what happens when you realize it's, in fact, become your life? Social media connects us to friends and family who live near and far, it allows us to share our thoughts and ideas with the masses. But it can be all too easy to slide down the slippery slope of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, never to be seen again. That may be a bit dramatic, but it's true that a lot of us spend way too much time on social media.


H I M

Social Media is a fairly new way of life when you think about it. I would definitely say it has changed the way we do things now a days. I just happen to use social media for majority of my job so I tend to feel like it really does consume my time. What I have learned over the years is to not use it as much for leisure. We all spend too much time on it, so we need to find a way to break away from time to time and enjoy the moments. 

I believe that social media can be used for good. People often complain that it consumes time or that they get carried away with showing their online friends a perceived lifestyle they are living. We might all feel that way at times but I also think that it is great to know what is going on in our friends and families lives. Being able to open Instagram and see pictures of my nieces and nephews is such a blessing. Majority of the news I get these days comes from social media and it is awesome to receive it so quickly. So don't sit their and think that social media is bad. Just learn to moderate and make it just part of your life, not your whole life. Use it to stay connected, stay informed, and stay modern. 

Social media can be a blessing and a curse. If it's leaving you feeling stressed, sad, or anxious, then take a social media break.

Here are a few signs you've totally had it with social media, and should take a vacation:

1. You feel stressed all the time. 

I feel bad for those 13-year-olds, because I'm a full-fledged adult and even I sometimes can't handle the stress and chaos of my social media pages.

2. You feel separation anxiety when you're not online. 

The world is not going to end if you miss one tweet, or don't post a picture of your lunch. You should be able to spend a decent amount of time living your life sans Internet. 


3. You can't put your phone down with friends. 

We've all been on that lunch date with friends where everyone is on their phone and it sucks. Consider implementing a rule where all phones go in the center of the table, and the first one to touch theirs has to pay for the meal.


4. It's all you think about.

This is that feeling you get when driving down the road and you keep peeking over at your phone, tempted to pull over just so you can refresh your news feed. 


5. You are constantly comparing yourself to others. 

This is less about social media taking up too much of your time, and more about how it makes you feel. It's important to remember that people post versions of their best selves online, so it's important to not compare yourself to what you see in your feed.


6. You fear missing out.

Your Facebook feed can seem like a constant parade of all the fun stuff everyone else is doing, and it can really start to make you feel bad about yourself if you don't keep your expectations in check. Not everyone has to have fun 24/7, even though the garage of photos and updates makes it seem that way.